Friday, October 21, 2016

Notice: I'm giving up matchmaking!

Yep, it's true! I'm quitting my little hobby of many years. My yenta days (outside of family) are over.

Golde and Yenta, Fiddler on the Roof, United Artists

I'm a tiny bit sad about that, since I still get messages almost weekly asking for help in finding a good Catholic spouse, either for the inquirer or a loved one. I started a Catholic matchmaking yahoo email group (for like-minded Catholic moms) over a decade ago, and then a few years ago I started a private matchmaking blog that continued until recently. I even tried to get a couple of Catholic matchmaking Facebook groups off the ground.

But there is just not enough fruit to keep it up anymore, and very few people actually follow my advice anyway, which has been the deciding factor for me. There is so little time in life, and we all have to decide where to direct our energy most productively.

So, I'm going to throw out some (usually-rejected) advice here, and folks can decide whether or not that advice is worth implementing.

First, in my experience, the vast majority of people actively looking for a Catholic spouse are women in their late twenties to late thirties, well-educated, and situated in good careers. Very few men come on my radar screen, and very few solid Catholic men (meaning, faithful to Church teaching and with jobs and appropriate social skills) are still single past their mid-twenties. Most of those men are marrying young (a good thing!), but that leaves a problem for the ladies: There is a vast pool of lovely, accomplished, faithful Catholic women seeking, and not a very big pool of good men to complement that search.

And yes, that is depressing!

What I always say first to these incredible women: "Have you tried Catholic Match or Ave Maria Singles?" Often the answer is no, as they "don't want to do the online dating thing". Immediately I lament, because one must go where the Catholic men are to find Catholic men, and if they aren't finding them in their parishes (and they obviously are not), there is little chance that they will find a faithful Catholic man at the grocery store or in the corporate world.

God is not going to drop a husband into your lap from the heavens, ladies. You worked very hard getting that college degree (and then that master's degree), so you need to work just as diligently at your own vocation, which is much more important than your job or career in the long run.

Sometimes the women will tell me that they are already on Catholic Match or Ave Maria Singles, but that they have had no luck or have gone inactive. Some thoughts:

1) Yes, there are a lot of men on those sites who are not going to be good husband material, and some are downright awful (one of my first blog posts ever was about the pitfalls of Catholic Match), but it only takes one good guy out of thousands. You are looking for one, that is all. Keep going.

2) You may be way too picky. Life is not a Nicholas Sparks novel, and you are not likely to find an Eduardo Verástegui. If a man is decent, faithful, has good hygiene, and has the means to provide for his family, he is a catch, ladies! If you find that he is "not your type" after the first view of his profile, maybe give him a chance anyway. (I will be writing my next book about Catholic dating and marriage, and I will include the stories of how two of my own children married spouses who were "not their type" at first glance; praise God they persevered!)

3) If you insist on principle that the man must be the initiator while you passively wait for him to make the first contact, well, you may be waiting alone all of your life. I'm just being honest. If you want to find a husband, initiate the first conversation! I am so glad my daughter-in-law did that with my son. And I am glad I was the one who actively pursued my own dear husband so many years ago. :)

4) If you limit yourself to men in your geographical area, eschewing long-distance relationships, then you will indeed be limiting yourself. All three of my married children, and even Dean and I, had long-distance relationships while dating. Not one of us lived in the same state, much less the same city, when we met and dated the other.

Bottom line, marriage is not something magical like fairy dust or wishing on a star that just happens to you like a dream. Like holiness in general, it requires hard work, both before and after the vows.

I have a lot more to say on the matter, as you can imagine, and I will! But one last thought for this short blog post: Pray while you work. The 54-day Novena for finding a spouse is an amazing grace-filled prayer that can make your work of finding a spouse fruitful! Be open, be courageous, be prayerful!

Anyway, it's been fun playing yenta for so long, and I have loved getting to know so many wonderful folks through the process! Go out and promote marriage and family, my friends, as it's the only way to reverse the corrosive effects of the culture. The Church, as always, has the answer! We just need to stop standing in her way.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Hillary's campaign manager works for "revolution" to undermine Catholic teaching

We've already considered this, this, this, and all of this, which should be enough to make practicing Catholics fly away from Hillary and the Democrats or, better yet, fight their ascent with all we can muster.

But today we see a leaked email from John Podesta, the chairman of Hillary's current campaign for president, discussing how he set up groups to stir up "revolution" against Catholicism:

You should not be shocked, as this has been going on for a very long time. Really think about that last paragraph.

His bio from Wikipedia: "Podesta previously served as Chief of Staff to President Bill Clinton and Counselor to President Barack Obama. He is the former president and now Chair and Counselor of the Center for American Progress (CAP), a liberal think tank in Washington, D.C., and is also a Visiting Professor of Law at the Georgetown University Law Center." <---------- Catholic institution, as you know. 


I'm sure there is and will be a lot more to come (the Democrats have been doing this for a long time), but here's another email leaked yesterday, from a Democratic operative to John Podesta, regarding Catholics:

We should take that second-to-last paragraph as a badge of honor, by the way. (And I believe "SC" means "Supreme Court.")

For those Catholics who still feel inclined to vote for Hillary, you might want to rethink your support for a candidate, a campaign, and an entire political party that directly, gleefully targets your own Mother

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Read it and weep

The article below is something that must be read. The first half is for the Democrats and the "progressive," secular left. The next part is for the establishment Republican right. The conclusion states, quite rightly, "You reap what you sow."

This is how we got here. Every Democrat who believes in "fluid" morality, and who defended Bill Clinton's right to his "private sexual life," and every Republican who said social/religious/moral issues should be off the table for the GOP -- you are responsible for this. Own it. The rest of us are doing our best with what you've handed us. 

Will I still be voting for the Republican candidate (who as of today still appears to be Trump)? Yes I will, because my aim, as always, is to at least slow down the enshrinement of sexual sin and degradation into law -- an enshrinement which is integral to the Democrats' philosophy and vision.

I don't like the headline (because some of us Americans have been condemning both Democrats AND establishment Republicans), but trust me, it's worth it to read and see how exactly how we got here. We have no one to blame but ourselves for these two candidates:

Note: If anyone claims I am endorsing, condoning, or excusing Donald Trump's vile words and behavior over the years, then you don't know me. So shush. And if you are pearl clutching because you simply never knew before yesterday that Trump was a lech and a cad, then you also need to shush, because you are lying. We all knew it, including you. 

Now, get to mass and pray. Get on your knees and pray. 

We have a lot to atone for as a nation. 

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Why Trump will get my vote

Well here it is. The post that many people have asked me for. I'm sure I'll take a beating from some, but the stakes are too high for me to care much about that.

The necessary caveats to begin this post:

-- Trump is not a stellar man. He is not a man of virtue. He is a blowhard and a jerk. I am not defending Trump as some sort of saint or model of goodness.

-- I voted for Marco Rubio in the primaries. I would have been fine with most of the other candidates as well, and would have voted for them over Trump. The primaries are where we must fight hard for the purest, best candidates. But now the primaries are over, and we are discussing the general election, where it is a truth that either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump will be our next president (believe me, I understand the consternation).

-- I personally do not ever vote for non-viable third party candidates in the general election. I work with what we have on hand. If I wanted to vote for someone who cannot win, I would vote for my husband. Or my mom. Or my friend Danya. I would vote for myself, even, since I agree with everything I believe in, ha ha. As it stands, I want to do more than simply make a statement, so I look at the viable candidates in any election and vote for one of them -- the one who will do the least damage to my Church and my family and my country -- because we are going to get stuck with one of them, for sure.

-- You, dear reader, are not obligated to vote for Trump. <--------- Did you see that? Because if I get comments saying, "But, Leila, Catholics are not obligated to vote for Trump!" I am going to refer you back to this bullet point. Please respect the fact that I have made this very clear, with a little red highlight and all. There is no mandate that you vote for Donald Trump. Do whatever your well-formed conscience tells you with regard to voting.

-- Having agreed that you are not morally bound to vote for Trump, I don't see any possible moral way that a Catholic can give one's vote to Hillary Clinton. None. Maybe some of you can see a way. I cannot. However, going along with my third bullet point, I will say that if it were Hillary running against someone like Hitler, I would vote for Hillary in that case. But we don't have a situation like that. (And if you believe Trump is a Hitler-figure, then we have nothing more to talk about.)

Now that I am done with the caveats, here is why Donald Trump will get my vote:

For me it's very simple. I vote policy. This is politics. Hillary's policy positions are diametrically opposed to all I hold dear and believe. Trump's are much more in line with my own. Read his policy position statements, read the Republican Party Platform and compare it to the Democrat Party Platform, listen to Mike Pence, his vice presidential pick.

Whether or not Trump is personally pro-life, he is at least not anywhere near the slobbering, slavish love of abortion that characterizes Hillary and her party. Not even close. And while politicians greatly tend to flip-flop and gravitate toward whatever position is politically expedient, I'd rather vote for the guy who is flip-flopping and gravitating in the right direction!

Trump is not determined to take away religious freedom and conscience rights of Catholics. Note well the brand new parts of the Democratic Platform, and see the rapid progression of Hillary's party in actively working to erode religious liberties and conscience rights. All her people will stand firmly for this inverted, perverted view of "religious freedom" that means Catholic teaching is bigoted discrimination that will not be tolerated. Trump's people do not and will not uniformly and aggressively stand for those things.

A huge question for me is, "How can I preserve my religious liberties just a little bit longer?" <------Please re-read that question. This is vitally important to me, and it should be to every Catholic. Even Pope Benedict warned the US bishops of the "grave threats" to religious liberty in America*, and the same US bishops went so far as to establish an annual Fortnight For Freedom to address the ongoing and growing crisis. This threat to Catholics began and continues under Democratic rule. When it comes to retaining our liberties, Christians have more of a shot with Trump than with Hillary. Never in my lifetime could I have imagined a sitting president going to court against the Little Sisters of the Poor, for example. These are the Democrats, the "progressives," Obama and Hillary's people who did this, not Trump's party.

Of course there is the issue of the judges the next president will appoint -- including, we tend to forget, all federal judges, hundreds of them, not just those on the Supreme Court. These judges will be ruling our lives, promoting abortion and LGBTQ "rights," and limiting our religious liberties for decades to come, long after Hillary is out.

I often think of the Cabinet, which includes the the Secretaries of Agriculture, Commerce, Defense, Education, Energy, Health and Human Services, Homeland Security, Housing and Urban Development, Interior, Labor, State, Transportation, Treasury, and Veterans Affairs, and the Attorney General. Think about the power of these Cabinet heads! And every last one of them will be of Hillary's mind -- pro-abortion, pro-gay "rights," and against conscience rights of Catholics. Trump's Cabinet heads would not be 100% left-wing "progressives," not even close. The Vice President is a member of the Cabinet, and under Trump, that would be pro-life, pro-marriage, pro-family, pro-faith Mike Pence. To think that the rest would be secular "progressives" is just irrational.

And goodness, the military! Under Obama it is being slowly wrecked, being turned into an LGBTQ social experiment now, and getting so much worse with every new "progressive" directive, which are coming faster these days.

Trump wants smaller central government (unlike Hillary), which means less government interference in the lives of regular Americans. In other words, Trump and his people are more in line with the Catholic principle of subsidiarity, which is a subject Catholics don't tend to know about, but should.

Also, unlike fiscally irresponsible Democrats who promise "free" stuff to everyone and higher taxes, I personally believe in lowering taxes across the board, which Trump has promised. A tax cut will specifically help Middle America, which has been so damaged by, among other things, the Obamacare nightmare.

So for me, this vote is a no-brainer. I'm not the least bit troubled about my vote for Trump considering that the alternative is Hillary, the Democrats, and all her people. Personally, my conscience would haunt me if I did not do everything to defeat Hillary. The secular "progressives" are systematic and they are determined. If we let them in to rule us for four or eight more years, they will become even more emboldened, and nothing will stop them.

Some people, even people of goodwill, think that Trump is just as bad as Hillary. I cannot fathom it, how anyone could think that a Trump administration and the people he would put in place could promulgate even half as much evil as Hillary and her people would. The damage to this country and to Catholics would be unprecedented. So for me personally, it is my moral obligation of conscience to vote for her opponent, so as to mitigate the evil she and her appointees and staff will accomplish.

There is much talk about Trump being an ass, a jerk, a horrible man. He is a blustering blowhard, as I've mentioned many times. So were many of our presidents. So are many of our relatives (if you are Mediterranean like me!), and that doesn't reflexively mean they are politically wrong or evil. Some of the blowhards in my life are near and dear to me, and they would never "blow up the world" because of that temperament. I'd vote for a blusterer long before I would vote for a (publicly) calm but sinister person.

I have actually never seen a Catholic voter guide discussing whether or not a candidate is a jerk. Instead, Catholic voter guides talk about policy. The most important policies concern intrinsic evils like abortion, euthanasia, the rights of parents to be the primary educators of their children, conscience rights, and protecting natural marriage, i.e., all the things that Democrats are on the wrong side of. Apart from the intrinsic evils (the "non-negotiables"), the rest of the policy issues (immigration, education, welfare programs, healthcare, etc.) are issues of prudential judgment, meaning, Catholics are free to disagree with how best they should be handled. See the video below for more information on that.

Honestly, if using a slur or a bad word is enough to disqualify a presidential candidate, then Catholics pretty much can't vote for anyone, ever. I believe a lot of this anti-Trump over-the-top rhetoric is a way to keep Catholics out of the public square. After all, this is politics, where corruption and sleaze is the norm. If we may only vote for near-saints, then we lose our place at the table, our way to shape policy that affects us. It's the attitude that kept a decent man like Romney out of the presidency -- good Catholics wouldn't vote for him! -- and kept Obama and his terrible, anti-Catholic policies in. This is politics and not theology, friends, and we are not canonizing a saint here.

Some assume that I have angst having to vote for a deeply flawed candidate. Nope, none at all. The different between Trump and Hillary is just that stark. For those who do have angst in casting a vote for Trump, I remember well the words of a holy Opus Dei priest who told me years ago that once you make a decision (that is within the moral law), stop worrying about it. So in this case, I would advise people to make the decision, vote and move on.

One last thought: If I can't convince you to vote for Trump in order to mitigate the evil that Hillary and the Democrats will surely bring to us, perhaps Fr. John Lankeit from the Diocese of Phoenix can at the very least show you why you may never, ever vote for Hillary Clinton and put the Democratic Party in charge. It's a spiritual warning that we would all do well to heed, including those Catholics who are actually encouraging votes for Hillary as a better alternative to Trump:

That needs to go viral, don't you think?

Okay, I'm happy to discuss in the comments, as usual. Please just have patience and mercy, as my son and his wife are visiting from out of town, and I am soaking up every minute I can with them. 

Above all, please pray for our nation, because we are in dire straits. As Catholics, we'll take whatever suffering comes, of course, but let us not enable and assist those who actively oppose us. We are an Easter people, not a suicide people, after all! 


*The words of Pope Benedict to the American bishops, four years ago this month:

It is imperative that the entire Catholic community in the United States come to realize the grave threats to the Church’s public moral witness presented by a radical secularism which finds increasing expression in the political and cultural spheres. The seriousness of these threats needs to be clearly appreciated at every level of ecclesial life. Of particular concern are certain attempts being made to limit that most cherished of American freedoms, the freedom of religion. Many of you have pointed out that concerted efforts have been made to deny the right of conscientious objection on the part of Catholic individuals and institutions with regard to cooperation in intrinsically evil practices. Others have spoken to me of a worrying tendency to reduce religious freedom to mere freedom of worship without guarantees of respect for freedom of conscience. [Again, this was all about Obama and the Democrats. No one else is doing this. Hillary is quite set to double-down on the "progress."]

** Update: Trump addresses Catholic concerns, here.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Political Correctness is my enemy

I loathe political correctness.

I think that political correctness is poison to society, and poison to human friendships and relationships.

The idea that we must speak according to the strict and punitive dictates of a political agenda so as not to "offend" others who do not want to hear a different (yes even "offensive") viewpoint? It's abhorrent to me.

The demands of political correctness (and its growing fruit, the speech code) are a bit totalitarian, are they not? To mandate, with real social and now even financial/legal penalties, that we speak according to what one group of Americans finds "comfortable" and "acceptable" is dangerous.

Promoters of political correctness will insist that PC's aim is simply civility, respect, and politeness. Nonsense. I am at the same time anti-PC and pro- civility in discourse, pro- respect for human dignity (not respect for all ideas), and pro- politeness in dealing with others.

No, political correctness is something else altogether. It's about control and coercion, not manners. It's about suspicion and conformity, and it's about forcing agendas that not everyone accepts.

I am so, so sad for the purveyors (prisoners) of political correctness. They truly believe that they are shaping, effecting, and marching toward a golden age of social justice, a utopia of equality and harmony. What they are actually doing is killing discourse, killing human relationships, and ending the free-flow of ideas among people of goodwill. PC is a strait jacket on thought and speech, which is a barrier to real human intimacy.

PC is enslavement, and we've been warned about it for many decades. Remember George Orwell's classic book, 1984, published in 1949? Do students read that anymore? This, and other classic books like it, were cautionary tales, yet it appears a whole segment of society (including a whole lot of young Americans who have never seen life any other way) didn't heed the warning.

Last night I looked up Newspeak, the mandated new language forced on the populace in Orwell's novel:

Newspeak intended not only to force the populace to conform their thoughts and ideologies towards those of The Party, but to make it impossible to even conceive of any other point of view. 

Thoughtcrime, a word used in the novel to describe the act of thinking socially unacceptable thoughts or holding opinions that are ideologically distinct from The Party’s.

Thought police, the term for the group in Nineteen Eighty-Four that monitored the populace for any signs of unorthodox thought or action.

Sounds a little too familiar, doesn't it?

I'm going to give you my rules for speech, for anyone who wants to talk to me or be my friend:

1. Be polite and respectful when in dialogue, but do not limit thoughtful discourse out of fear that an idea you have might "offend" another.

2. Black people/White people/Hispanic people/Asian people are all human beings and are allowed to comment and have opinions on any aspect of any human culture or human nature. I place no restrictions based on ethnicity or race. You all have free speech, without fear!

3. Women can comment on "men's issues", and men can comment on "women's issues." In fact, since men and women are human, you all can comment on any human issue whatsoever, without fear!

Basically, I have just given you your freedom. I have confirmed your human dignity. It is beautiful and joyful to be free, isn't it?

I will never in my life surrender my human dignity and my free conscience.

I have never felt like a victim (nope, not even as a woman in this land of the "war on women" -- I must have missed the memo), and I have never spoken the words or even implied, "You are not allowed to speak on that because you are a woman/man/Latina/African-American/Caucasian!"

I am a mother, I am middle-aged, and I have a longer perspective on what has come to pass recently in our society. Therefore, I am compelled to say this:

I am truly sad, even heartbroken, for all those who are growing up in a PC culture without knowing anything different. Not only are we less polite and more coarse as a society these days, but those slavishly committed to PC will find it a struggle to achieve interior joy. PC is a fearful, suspicious, closed-off place to be.

I wish and pray that the politically correct and perpetually offended could feel what freedom of speech and freedom in relationships -- the true and honest give-and-take of a human conversation -- feels like. Because it must take a lot of energy to stay in line with "approved" speech and thought, to constantly walk on eggshells wondering if one has a "right" to speak about or discuss an idea. And since the "rules" about exactly who can say exactly what are ever-changing and increasingly restrictive, the difficulty, division, and misery inherent in political correctness is only going to get worse.

Get out while you can! Run, I say!

Now, I imagine this post has been a "microaggression" to some, but as long as it's still legal for me to speak and write what is politically incorrect, I will continue to do so. And if I'm ever jailed for my "offenses" someday, I'll still be gloriously free in my mind, and that's no small thing.

Monday, September 19, 2016

Random musings....

1.  I find myself less and less active on the blog and more and more active on Facebook where the pressure to edit (grammar, syntax, ugh!) is much lower, and the interaction and dialogue is more immediate. Not sure what that means, but I just wanted you to be aware of it, and feel free to check out my page (Leila Miller) if you have a Facebook account.

2. Another reason I am less active on the blog is now I have the book-writing bug! It was grueling but so satisfying, as a writer, to produce an actual book that I can hold in my hand, fan the pages of, and put on my bookshelf. I love books in general -- even looking at pictures of old studies/libraries makes me giddy -- so this has been a real treat! I suppose the desire of a writer to produce physical books is similar to the desire of a painter to paint on a canvas. It's exciting to create! In that sense, we are all like God -- we want to create. That's part of what it means to be made in His image. I've already started on my next book, which will address Catholic dating (and how folks are missing the boat) and marriage (including what we misunderstand about our own marriages). It's gonna be good, you guys! I just need the discipline to get 'er done.

3. Over two decades into my reversion now, I still am like a kid in a candy store! So much to read, and learn, and see, and understand. And I finally (FINALLY) have a serious, committed prayer life as well, which makes these months approaching 50 (gasp!) some of the happiest and most peaceful of my life. God is good, folks! Trust him, and don't fear getting older! We are all headed outta this planet, so let's get excited about where we are going! (Yes, I basically just said that I'm not dreading my own mortality.)

4. Speaking of excitement and learning, lookie, lookie what I got!! Bishop Barron's new DVD series, The Pivotal Players!

Look who is featured! I thought it would only be canonized saints, but oh my gosh, Chesterton!! And Michelangelo!! A documentary on each of these pivotal players in Catholic history -- it doesn't get much better than that.

Regular readers know that Bishop Barron's Catholicism DVD series was the catalyst that led to my mother-in-law's profound conversation just months before her death. It was a miracle (and her story has made even grown men sob). I will do anything in my power to spread the word about whatever Bishop Barron produces. I've seen the effects first-hand.

If you can't afford it yourself, consider going in on it with another family or two, or get your parish to buy a copy to lend or show. It's top quality, and worth every penny. Check it out, here.

5. It's super-duper late here (actually, early morning, since it's past midnight), but there is some good news I want to share! My son and his new bride are expecting a baby!! That's right! Our third honeymoon grandbaby is on the way, and we couldn't be happier! This will be our fifth grandchild overall, and we all marvel that in less than three years, we have added eight members to our family -- three by marriage, and five babies as the fruit of those marriages. God is so good. Let us give our lives over to Him and see what He can do. He will always surprise, always bring goodness, if we trust Him.

Okay, so tired.... over and out!

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Meet the Men Who Don't Masturbate

Well, now that got your attention, didn't it!

Yes, believe it or not, there are chaste, non-masturbating young men in this world and in this very culture. It was not even difficult to find them. I interviewed them for my book, Raising Chaste Catholic Men, and I'd like you to meet them by reading their answers to five questions, below.

I'd also be pleased if you would introduce them to your own sons/brothers/friends so that your own young men either 1) don't feel so alone, or 2) see that there is an alternative to what how they are living now.

And to all the modern feminists, I can tell you one thing about these incredible chaste men: They are not the ones out there hurting your daughters and sisters -- or you. They are respecting women just as they respect themselves. These are honorable men who have the maturity of self-discipline and self-control. Add to that a deep love of God, a reverence for women, and a desire to be virtuous, and you have the makings of a real man!

So, thank you, gentlemen! Take it away....

1. What is the biggest challenge you face in this culture with regard to chastity?
2. Why do you remain chaste when others don’t?
3. What do you say to those who would insist that you are lying about being chaste?
4. Advice for (worried) parents who are trying to raise chaste boys?
5. Advice for other boys/men trying to navigate this unchaste culture?

A 22-year old male (let's call him the Drill Sergeant, speaking specifically man to man):

1. What is the biggest challenge you face in this culture with regard to chastity?

The biggest challenge is the constant temptation. The internet has unlimited amounts of pornography and erotica that is easily accessible. I live alone, there is no one to hold me accountable. I have to hold myself accountable. Despite, actively avoiding this material on the internet I will still sometimes find it unwittingly. This is the true challenge: to click that red x in the top of the screen before I lose my rationality. The other aspect of this is that in every modern medium, pre-marital sex and masturbation are treated as common everyday things that everyone is and should be doing. I once went to a urologist and he told me point blank that I should be masturbating-- that it was normal! When I was younger, this used to make me feel very weird and different from my friends. It made me feel like an outcast. However, I no longer feel that way- I am not so easily swayed by peer pressure and have since realized that these people are slaves to their desires in the same way animals are.

2. Why do you remain chaste when others don’t?

Multiple reasons

1. I have a true understanding for the purpose of sexual faculties. That it is to be both unitive and procreative, and that any misuse of this is a grave sin. Sex is not just about pleasure for pleasure's sake. It is giving the whole of yourself to another in sacrificial love. Any distortion of this act is inherently selfish and immoral.

2. I view masturbation as one of the most pathetic and harmful things a person can do to themselves, and as such avoid it. To me it is pathetic, childish, and just plain gross. Why would I want to have sex with my hand? We are not made for it, we are made for something much more beautiful. It follows that since I despise masturbation so, I would remain chaste.

3. I have a deep fear of Hell. It is such a profound fear that I would never even consider masturbating or having pre-marital relations.

3. What do you say to those who would insist that you are lying about being chaste?

I probably wouldn’t say anything. They can think what they want, it does not affect what is true. However, for the purpose of the question I guess I would ask them why I would even lie about such a thing? If masturbation and sex are so normal and commonplace why would I want to appear the outsider? Why, if 97% of men are [masturbating] daily, would I put myself in the 3% that don’t? Why would I make myself look like a freak?

4. Advice for (worried) parents who are trying to raise chaste boys?

From the start, have an open door policy with your boys. No question should ever be off limits. Do not shame them for wondering, and do not chastise them for being curious of the female form. When I was younger, I was on Amazon and a book that had a naked woman on the cover caught my eye. I clicked on it and stared at the pictures until my mother caught me. I was ashamed obviously, but she thought it more funny than anything. The point is, she did not shame me or punish me, she explained that I should not view such things and more importantly WHY I should not view them. Always give a reason, and if you don’t know why, find out! You will earn their respect and trust, and they will always come to you first with questions.

Do not be afraid to teach basic female anatomy to your children at around the time you have “the talk” with them. If you do not teach them about this stuff, they will inevitably take to the internet to find out for themselves, and may be exposed to some very nasty stuff in the process. Teach them the naked human body is not something to be feared, or disrespected.

5. Advice for other boys/men trying to navigate this unchaste culture?

Stop touching it. Seriously, control yourselves.  The act of masturbation requires many steps, all of which at any point you can stop. In the same way, the act of pre-marital sex requires conscious choices. You don’t “accidentally” have sex. You are called to be strong men, not juvenile children hiding in their closets. If your computer leads you to sin, smash it. Rise up, you are not a slave to your passions. You are a man with free will. You have the power to choose. And remember that you have no legitimate excuse for your actions. We will always try to justify our sins, we are human after all. But your justifications are as pathetic and harmful as the act you are about to inflict upon yourself. Be a strong, God-fearing, selfless man.


An 18-year-old high school senior:

1. The biggest challenge I face in the culture is probably that everyone just accepts non-chastity (is that a word?) to be normal. Everywhere on tv or at school people present these sins as something that everyone does or that something everyone should do. I've never been unchaste or sinned sexually so it's not that hard for me to maintain that. Its not hard to continue not doing something. Its annoying that the culture today is so tolerant of such things and assumes that if everyone is doing it it must be okay.

2. I remain chaste because I know it's a sin and understand why it's a sin. A lot of people probably have been told that it's wrong, but not why it's wrong. If it's not harming anyone, how could it be wrong? Telling someone it's wrong is not enough. It is important to understand why in order to know that you shouldn't do it. That holds true for all sins.

3. If people think I'm lying about my chastity, it makes me disappointed that people think I can’t have self control. Other than that, I'm not bothered by it because God knows that I'm chaste and that's all that matters anyway. People are allowed to be wrong.

4. Trust your kids. Give them the benefit of the doubt. If you have explained to them why these acts are sinful, it should be enough to keep them chaste. After you teach them why it is a sin, it's really out of your hands whether or not they keep their morals. Its between them and God.

5. Stay strong in the face of society. Prove everyone else wrong. It will pay off in the end. Waiting until marriage to experience sexual pleasure is probably the best way to experience it. Don't ruin that. It's not how God made us.


A 22-year-old man (at the time this was written, he was engaged to be married):

1. I think the biggest culture challenge is how much sex is glorified in society while chastity is marginalized. One simply has to look at the leaders of mainstream American culture: the music stars, movie stars, and the people rich enough to buy stars. That has an effect on everyone in our society. When I was in college, I remember my roommates and I throwing a party at our house for Super Bowl XLIX. Keep in mind that the Super Bowl is the biggest television event in the US every year with most of the viewers being a male audience. During the halftime show, Katy Perry initially came out dressed in clothes that covered her body more than usual. This prompted one of my roommates to exclaim something along the lines of, "She's wearing too much clothing! I can't see any of her!" Those two sentences really summed up our culture in a nutshell. Much to my roommate's delight, and to my dismay, Katy Perry didn't stay like that and she gradually took off much of her clothing as the show went on. This is what we are up against. We have a culture that expects women to act like sex objects while men can continue to indulge themselves in their lustful fantasies. What my roommate said was very symbolic of our age: down with chastity and up with lust.

2. I strive to remain chaste because of my strong Catholic faith. The teachings of the Church provide an understanding of our bodies that is unparalleled with anything else on Earth. It is much more difficult to remain chaste when we think that pleasure is an ends to itself. Knowing the purpose of every part of my body that God gave to me helps me to avoid abusing them for self-pleasure and keep my soul pure. Remember, our bodies are only vessels of our souls.

3. I do not recall anyone who has thought I was lying about my attempts to live a chaste life.

4. Parents need to be at the forefront of the education of their sons on chastity, dads especially. Not to degrade mothers, but a father will naturally be the single most influential figure of their son's life. As such, they need to be the person to take charge of this duty. When boys are educated in chastity, it needs done in a way of understanding about their bodies and it should be open enough for them to ask questions. If the education is too harsh, they may become ashamed of their bodies, even if there was nothing to be ashamed about in the first place. If the education is too lax, or worse there is no education, then the boys will learn from the culture. It is also important that it is not a one time "talk" and nothing else. The education needs to be continuous since boys progress through more body changes as they grow older. The communication line must be kept open so that they are comfortable to ask questions whenever they have them.

5. Odds are, you will fail many times with chastity in this life. But there will also be times where you succeed more than you ever thought you could. It is one of the most difficult things you will have to fight in your life. Do. Not. Give. Up. When you fail, do not fall into despair. That is how Satan traps you there. God gave us the sacrament of Penance for a reason. If you end up falling into your temptations, get to confession ASAP. Not only will it help put you back in a state of grace, it will also help you kick the habit.

I hope these are good enough and that I didn't write too much! I tend to relate more to personal stories in books so I figured I could add a couple of my own. Let me know if you need anything else!


16-year-old Catholic, and a star high school athlete:

1. The biggest challenge for me is the influence from my friends/students/teammates.

2. I stay chaste because first off the church tells us to save it for marriage, second I don't think their would be anything more awesome than saving your sexual life for the person that truly loves you and you will spend the rest of your life with them, and lastly I don't have time for it right now. I'm trying to achieve my goals and dreams. Balancing school and sports is hard enough.

3. I don't remember ever being accused of lying about being chaste because I think the people around me recognize that I hold myself to a very high standard of living.

4. Just raising your kids in a faith filled environment. And allow your kids to open up to the faith. Send them to youth conferences like Steubenville. This transformed my faith from something you have to do into something you want to do.


A 24-year-old man, engaged to be married (sent back two answers):

1. What is the biggest challenge you face in this culture with regard to chastity?

The following are a few different ways that this culture has persistently challenged my resolve to live according to the teachings of the Church regarding chastity.

In high school and college, anytime my Catholic faith came up, I had to endure a lot of very invasive questions about my sexual experiences (or lack thereof). Because I was open about believing--as the Church does--in abstinence before marriage, I was ridiculed by males and patronized by females. The feeling, thus promoted by society, that one is not a real man unless he is having a lot of sex and is very good at it, can be a huge challenge for a young man trying to maintain his virtue.

After college, the challenge comes in the form of pressure from society to not get married until mid life or to never marry at all. In this culture, if some people do make it to the point of recognizing sex as being about commitment to one person, it is still very rare that anyone considers openness to life and family as an essential part of the marital act.

The other thing pressuring young people to not get married or have kids, but to simply cohabitate and have contraceptive sex, is the economy. Young college graduates today are struggling to support just themselves, let alone a family of their own. Many people in their 20s are forced to live with family members because they can only find jobs far beneath their educational qualifications.

As a result, people have looked at my decision to get married this coming fall at the age of 24 as wildly irresponsible and laughable. Some of my friends have even asked me, "Are you getting married just because you want to have sex? You know you can do that without being married or having kids..." A man trying to live according to God's plan for sexuality can expect no support from the culture. My advice: suck it up and deal with it.

5. Advice for other boys/men trying to navigate this unchaste culture?

My advice to other Catholic guys trying to live up to the heroic standard of selfless love set by Christ is this: first, if you have not made the mistake of giving in to temptation with pornography, masturbation, premarital sex, or other impure acts, then keep it that way. It is much easier to stay chaste when you have no experience or memory of sexual sins than it is when you have fallen even once. Eradicating a bad habit is so much harder than never forming it in the first place.

The sad truth is that when we sin, it has the effect of blunting our conscience and making it easier to sin in the same way again. This is what the catechism means by saying that sin begets sin (citation needed). Essentially this makes us unable to feel that what we are doing is wrong. But it is that very ability to know the difference between right and wrong which makes human beings distinct from other creatures. The horrifying reality is that when we sin against chastity over and over, we do violence to our own humanity, i.e., we make ourselves less human. You're a man, not an animal. Just don't do it.

Second, if you have made mistakes or are currently in a relationship where you struggle constantly with sexual sins, do not quit. Go back to confession. Go back to confession. Get yourself (and your girlfriend) up and go back to confession.

No matter how many times you have fallen, you must not allow yourself for one second to think that you might as well give up. Start over right now. Make an act of contrition and resolve to change your life. Go back to confession.

It is helpful if you have one priest that knows you to whom you can confess face-to-face. This may deter you from sinning again in some instances because you will feel accountable to the priest who knows that you are struggling with the same sin.

Often the key to remaining chaste is not having super human will power in the moment of temptation, but having the will power to avoid temptation in the first place. It's almost impossible to refuse sin under certain circumstances because your ability to reason will be compromised. That's why you need to consciously resolve to avoid the occasion of sin while you still have your wits about you. This requires a firm resolve to amend your life and change your habits. It is not easy, but Christ doesn't call us to easy, he calls us to greatness. You can do it.


A 15-year-old high school sophomore:

1. My biggest challenge is when you see an attractive person, try not to think of lustful things. It’s easy to think of lustful things, so I challenge myself not to.

2. I first find other things or hobbies to keep my mind occupied. Also, I would never want to say those sins to a priest in confession, so that helps motivate me.

3. I would tell them that I’m not lying, but they can think whatever they want to think.

4. There is nothing you can do to stop your kids. But teach them right from wrong and hopefully they will make the right decision.

5. Try to find other things to occupy your mind. It is very easy to sin, so find something else to replace it.

A 22-year-old man who is "loving chastity":

1. What is the biggest challenge you face in this culture with regard to chastity?

Advertisements.  Most advertisements are porn.  They don’t sell a product, they sell sex (or sex is the product).  Throw in movies and tv shows.  All of these things are more often than not pornified.  These things are all the propaganda of an unchaste culture.  Especially movies and tv shows.  Most of them don’t revolve around sex or pornography.  There are a lot of funny sitcoms out there.  But most of them treat unchaste living like it’s the way we’re meant to live.  This normalizes living against chastity.  Same goes to movies and advertisements.  It’s like when I first moved to the city (Chicago).  I live a block from the L train, which goes by every 15 minutes at least.  Shortly after moving here I stopped noticing it.  Its sound became as natural to my life as walking and eating.  If I am not careful to guard against an imprudent exposure to these things, the unhealthy sexual views will become as normal to my life as breathing and thinking.

 2. Why do you remain chaste when others don’t?

All chastity is motivated by love.  Love for God, love for myself, love for my future spouse, love for my girlfriend, and love for her future spouse.

It’s hard to explain my entire motivation without writing an entire book myself!  These are some questions that I ask myself when I’m tempted to give up on chastity, or even just push the boundaries back a bit.  On my wedding night, I don’t want my bride to be the next in a list of women I’ve had.  I want our first time sleeping together to be special, because she is special.  What if she was not chaste?  How would I feel?  What would I think?  These are good questions to ask.  What about if who I’m dating now doesn’t marry me?  How will [insert sexual activity] affect her marriage?  How will it affect mine?  These questions need to be thought about.  What about my daughters?  At what age am I going to be comfortable with her having sex?  My girlfriend is someone’s daughter, and I really respect him.  What about my sons?  You see?  Most people will have a double standard with these questions.  If I’m going to be honest with myself, it’s not that I think living an unchaste life is okay, but that I recognize it’s hard and thus say it’s okay for me.

I also keep in mind that sex is not just my body and her body.  Sex alters brain chemistry, it has spiritual components, it has emotional effects.  In a word, sex affects my whole self (and her whole self).  Maybe this is obvious, but it’s important!  Sex is a total gift of all I am.  If I have sex and hold any part of me back I am lying.  But how can I give my whole self to a woman I am not fully committed to?

Chastity is hard.  But that’s a good reason to remain chaste.  I am chaste not because it is easy but because it is hard.  (see my answer to question five.)

Most of all though, I am chaste because I know how lonely and miserable you feel when you’re not chaste.  I know the feeling that you’ve just given part of yourself away that you can never get back.  It feels like an empty darkness.  I’ve read about this in a lot of testimonies of women; after their first time having sex or looking at porn they feel dirty, used, empty.  Women are good about acknowledging this.  Maybe men don’t feel it to the same extent, I don’t know, but we’re lying to ourselves if we say it’s not there.

Let me come at that last paragraph from a different angle, a perspective that I suspect will resonate with a lot of people even if they don’t realize it at first:

I am chaste because I want to be.  It’s as simple as that.  Chastity is living the life that I want to live.  Not on the surface.  Deep down, below all of my surface level desires and wants and feelings is chastity.  I could be watching porn and masturbating and having sex, but at the end of the day I know that, above all of those things, what I really want is chastity.

Everyone wants chastity.  But most of us don’t believe it’s possible.  Call me a dreamer, but I think it’s possible, and I’m going to acknowledge that I want it.

 3. What do you say to those who would insist that you must be lying about being chaste?

I would probably laugh honestly.  What a silly thing to lie about.  But, I would question these people who call me a liar.  In the fact that they think I’m lying, they are saying that it is impossible not to live chastely.  When they say I’m lying, they are implicitly saying “there’s no possible way you can live without sex/pornography/masturbation/etc”.  This is silly.  I would ask them if they had sex that day.  I’m willing to bet none of them did.  I would tell them that obviously they didn’t die.

I would also ask why they think I’m lying.  If they’re just going to say something to the tune of “that’s impossible, how can you live without porn or sex!” Well, then this is a stupid statement because I just did.  Sometimes you need to tell people they say stupid things.  But I imagine that this questioning of their motives will open the door to me explaining why I live chastely.

This question is hard to answer though.  In a group setting, yes I can see being mocked for being chaste, it has happened to me.  But one on one, even the people I know who live very unchaste lives, especially those people actually, have told me how much they want to live like that.  One on one, man to man, when he knows you won’t tell anyone else, he’ll say “I wish I could do that.”  I suspect that most people say you’re lying about being chaste because they’ve tried and fail, then tried and failed again, and now they’ve given up on trying.  Walk with them, treat them with respect, love them because you have something they want, and your friendship is what will help them have it.

 4. Advice for (worried) parents who are trying to raise chaste boys?

First, do not worry.  Do not be afraid.  Talk to your boys about sex and love, and do not shy away from it.  I know many parents who decided not to talk to their children about sex until they are such and such an age, and even then it’s a one time, vague conversation about “the birds and the bees”.  When this happens your children will learn more about sex from their friends at school and teachers in health classes than from you.  Sex is beautiful, love is amazing!  I know you think sex is amazing and beautiful!  Why do you shy away from telling your kids about it?  Do not make the “sex talk” a one time thing.  Make it a continual conversation, starting when they are young (and by young I mean closer to 5 than 10--do not wait until 10).  When you boys know you’re going to give them real, straight answers about sex they will understand (a) they can come to you (or your spouse) with any questions they have, and (b) you actually know what you’re talking about.

When parents talk about sex in a limited, indirect, vague way, kids will start thinking that you’re uncomfortable talking about sex (because you are).  Sex is uncomfortable enough a topic for kids and teenagers (and adults), why would they be open to listen to your parental advice if you’re even more uncomfortable.  When you tell your kids about sex and chastity do not shy away-- own it!  Seriously, use the word “penis”, use the word “sex”.  It’s okay to say those words. Be comfortable with them.

Be open to their questions, and give them the freedom to ask!  True story:  I was six years old and my mom and I were going through this cartoon children’s book that explained sex.  We’re at the part where I find out that the man’s penis enters the woman’s vagina and, six year old me starts thinking, so I ask, “Wait!  What if while they’re doing this, he really, really has to pee, and can’t help it?!”  I was very concerned.  My mother was very calm and happy to answer, “Your body won’t let you do that” she said, and went into a little more detail on the anatomy of why my body wouldn’t do something.  It was a real answer.  I felt very comfortable talking to my mom about sex.  I was six!

Okay, maybe that’s good advice but let’s say your child is thirteen and you think my advice is eight years too late.  That’s okay.  If you think you failed your child in regard to teaching them about sex, just apologize, tell them why you think it’s important they understand sex, and ask them what questions they have.  If you did the best you could and wouldn’t change a thing but you’re worried because of forces in your child’s life that are beyond your control. Don’t worry. Make sure you’re open to them asking you questions about anything.

I realize how much I have been stressing the importance of being open to answering questions.  But you must understand, kids know they can get answers from google.  And when you combine sex questions with google searches, you find pornography.

Most importantly though, love your spouse.  Wives kiss your husbands, husbands kiss you wives, in front of your kids.  Let them see the affection you show each other.  Show them how devoted you are to each other.  Show them how you chastely live in marriage.  This is an infinitely better lesson than using words.  But what do I know about parenting, I’m a single college student.

 5. Advice for other boys/men trying to navigate this unchaste culture?

My advice would really depend on the person and what exactly about their struggles they need advice with.  So here are a bunch of thoughts on things I would say if the situation called for it.

You don’t have to have sex.  You don’t.  Most people don’t realize this.

Be a man.  Love women.  Chastity is not avoiding love, it’s loving.

It’s hard, but don’t give up.  Did you want loving a woman to be easy?  If it’s easy, then what’s the point?  We don’t live chastely because it’s easy, but because it’s hard. Love without sacrifice isn’t love at all.  Be a man.  Be the man you were born to be, I know you want to.

You, who watches pornography, I know how empty it is.  I’ve been there.  I know how it feels.  In the moment it seems like there’s nothing else in the world that can ever fulfill you and there’s nothing else you could ever want.  But at the end of the day it’s you and a computer, in a dark room, alone; it’s lonely; it’s sad.  I don’t know why you first looked at porn.  I did because all of my friends did and I wanted to fit in--it was as simple as that.  And I know now you tell yourself you choose when you watch it, but let’s be honest:  there are those nights when you feel as if every ounce of your being needs it; that you can’t live without it.  This is not freedom.  This is slavery.  Be a man.  If you can’t stop, even when you want to (and I know you want to, no one really wants to look at porn)  find help, it’s out there.  Go to confession and ask the priest for help.  Seriously, the guy took a promise or vow of celibacy, he knows what to do.

Chastity is not a denial of who you are.  Chastity is, above all else, being who you really want to be.


A 23-year-old Catholic seminarian:

1. What is the biggest challenge you face in this culture with regard to chastity?

 Temptations toward unchastity are literally everywhere! The most challenging thing is that, while there are certainly a lot of overt sexual themes on TV and in movies and advertising, the temptations and the things that lead to unchastity are usually much more covert. The constant promotion of individuality, of moral relativism, and the necessary indulgence of every desire (carnal or otherwise) creates a culture in which anything goes and everything is acceptable. Then there's this Church and these "religious people" saying I'll only be happy if I give my life to God and others and let Jesus touch and heal my "wounds" rather than just do what feels good right now? That ideological divide creates a tension for a lot of people; if I can do what feels good right now, why bother with any of that other stuff no matter how good it might really be?

2. Why do you remain chaste when others don’t?

 Well, there’s certainly the fear of hell and all of that; I’d prefer not to be in the confessional every day! But it is for the love of God that I remain chaste. I do not want to offend him and I do not want to act against the person, the priest, he is forming me to become. I remain chaste for the old lady who puts her only $2 in the diocesan annual appeal that funds my education; I remain chaste for the teenager in youth group who also struggles with chastity; I remain chaste so I can offer the sacraments one day with purity of heart and body and mind for the people of God. Bottom line: I am chaste for the sake of relationships. Unchastity destroys our ability to have healthy relationships. First of all with God, then my relationship with myself (knowing who I am as a beloved son of God and not a mere object to be abused), and ultimately for other people who count on me to be chaste and close to the Lord so I can help them live that way, too.

4. Advice for (worried) parents who are trying to raise chaste boys?

 Don’t try to hide the culture from them or them from the culture; when they inevitably go out into the world they won’t be ready for it, first of all, and second their reaction will be like a broken spring: the tightness that once protected them will turn into the force of their demise. I hope that makes sense.

Set clear rules about technology use, acceptable behavior with women, but don’t criminalize their sexuality. When they reach an appropriate age, don’t be afraid to use....those....words with them: masturbation and pornography.

Boys (and girls) want to hide their addictions and tendencies toward unchastity but I’ve found that when even the words “masturbation” and “pornography” (and other words, too, like “lust”, “custody of the eyes”, “emotional chastity” etc) aren’t taboo or weird, it takes a lot of the mystery and allure from the actions themselves and allows boys to be more open with their parents about their struggles with them.

So....culture of chastity, openness with your kids about their struggles, non-judgmentalism.

5. Advice for other boys/men trying to navigate this unchaste culture?

Remember the love of God is in this, too. Jesus, God-with-us, fights alongside you as do the angels and saints, especially your guardian angel and your patron saints, and St. Joseph.

Masturbation and pornography are not the disease, they are symptoms of a disease that lives in you; they are our way of acting out in our need for affirmation, attention, intimacy (physical or emotional). The times of acting out very often become times of safety and control for us which, as men, are both things we desire but obviously unchastity isn’t the way to get those things. Be open with a confessor, spiritual director, or counselor about it and explore the root of the problem. Yeah, you can go to confession every day and put a million blocks on your computer and phone, but without some kind of deeper exploration of your interior life, you’ll only ever cut the leaves off the weed and never uproot it.

Practically speaking: Be a man and do what you gotta do! Set limits for yourself. For example, no phone or computer after 8:30pm, keep the computer in a totally separate place from your bedroom or living space; get an accountability brother or group; if you have to white knuckle it, then (literally) for God’s sake white knuckle it! Foster a devotion to the Eucharist, to the saints, pray a holy hour, start praying the liturgy of the hours.


An 18-year-old Catholic seminarian:

1. What is the biggest challenge you face in this culture with regard to chastity?

By far the biggest obstacle to young men striving to be chaste is the omnipresence of suggestive material in everyday life. Many chastity speakers and writers emphasis the destructive nature of things such as tv commercials and magazine covers, but the impact of images on the minds of boys simply cannot be conveyed in a few words. As I mature, I observe more things consciously: a model pulling up her stocking, an athlete slipping off a shirt, a sloppy, long-drawn-out kiss between actors who aren’t even married, and the cover of Sports Illustrated. For me in our current culture, normal activities like watching a football game or buying groceries become mentally excruciating and spiritually dangerous.

2. Why do you remain chaste when others don’t?

The only way I have remained chaste is through the example of my father and the power of the Holy Spirit. Contrary to some modern Catholic thought, chastity is unattainable given ordinary circumstances. A young man ought to be able to gaze at a woman without lust, but the reality is that he cannot, and therefore must not gaze. To win this “must not” battle is completely impossible for the Catholic man in any circumstance; and this is why many do not remain chaste: they look for strength within themselves, in their own manliness. Only in the Savior does this strength, this manliness, lie.

3. What would you say to those who might insist that you are lying about being chaste?

To those who would scoff and say, “By your own admission, you cannot remain chaste, and therefore have not”, I respond: I am tempted every day, sometimes every hour, and I do not always win the immediate struggle. Jesus indeed adjures us in Holy Writ, “Therefore be perfect, as your Heavenly Father is perfect”; however, he also names Himself Divine Physician, and tells us that He comes not for the healthy, but for the sick. To remain pure of heart, I must strive with my whole self to endure temptation, and if I fall, I may not relinquish the struggle, but instead cry out to the Father for mercy and courage and forgiveness. I do not remain chaste by being perfect; I remain chaste by trusting and persevering. Thanks to the Hand of Almighty God, I have fallen and yet remain chaste.

4. Advice for (worried) parents who are trying to raise chaste boys?

My advice is contained succinctly in this quote from St. Josemaria Escriva:

"Fly from bad companions as from the bite of a poisonous snake. If you keep good companions, I can assure you that you will one day rejoice with the blessed in Heaven; whereas if you keep with those who are bad, you will become bad yourself, and you will be in danger of losing your soul."

If you as parents see or sense worldliness or an unchaste spirit in a peer or companion, ensure that your child parts ways with the young person. Do not be afraid of appearing harsh or unreasonable; better this than eternal hell-fire! I speak from my experience when I say, if you stay this course for as long as you must, your son will understand your wisdom when God provides vigorous and steadfast friends for him. It took me 17 years to encounter chaste and Godly men for friends, but such blessings they have been to me that I would go back and wait to meet them anew.

5. Advice for other boys/men trying to navigate this unchaste culture?

I would reiterate several points I have already made. Men, if you are reading this, you have already done battle hundreds of times and emerged both defeated and victorious, as I have done. Go to great lengths to guard your eyes, perhaps choosing to read a book during commercials with the tv muted, or electing to wait longer in the grocery store line to avoid a lascivious picture. Limit and even eliminate time spent with acquaintances who speak rudely or make unchaste remarks and are constantly referencing bawdy humor. Make as your goal the elimination of all lust and unchastity, but when you fall on the way take your failings instantly to the Throne of Heaven and cover yourself with your Mother’s gracious mantle. Above all, be courageous, and be such a man that other men will look at you and say, “Christ abides in him; I wish to possess this fire also."


A 15-year-old high school student:

Answer #1: Being a student at a public high school, many of my peers often ask if I want to view nudes of any of the various woman on campus. The hardest thing to do is tell them no not only because I am often tempted to view them, but also because of peer pressure, which can seem worse than the temptation of looking at the photos.

Answer #2: I love thinking about my honeymoon night, and I always get excited because I know that when this time comes I can give my full self to my wife, and only my wife. I can make myself into ours, instead of ours and that girl in high school, or the lady on the internet.

Answer #5: The best way to staying chaste is to stay as far away from any "triggers" as possible. It is ingrained in men to respond to anything sexual, and things like social media and parties have loads of these triggers that lead to a slippery slope of unchaste acts.

Thank you so much for letting me part of this. I hope I can help other boys/men to live a chaste and meaningful life.


A 22-year-old man:

1. What is the biggest challenge you face in this culture with regard to chastity?

For me, I have found the biggest challenge lies in how our culture tells women to behave. I have, on more than one occasion, had to call things off with a girlfriend because she felt that sex needed to be part of our relationship. The "everyone else is doing it" mentality has certainly been ingrained into men and women in our society and that can be challenging for men such as myself. I won't lie and say that calling things of was easy, in fact I was engaged to one of these women, but a strong foundation and constant support from my family helped.

2. Why do you remain chaste when others don’t?

For me the biggest reason for chastity comes from a strong foundation instilled in me by my family. I was taught early on to treat a women with the utmost respect because she will be someones future wife and that has been a mentality I have carried with me in every relationship I have been in.

3. What would you say to those who might insist that you are lying about being chaste (because they think it's not possible)?

I actually have been told I've lied about this more than once, and to them I have to ask in reply "what does it say about our culture, that you would assume I would lie?" It's always challenging to explain to this someone because typically it is the same person that questions why I go to Mass every Sunday. To this day I still struggle to find a good answer to give to people like this, but I think it really comes down to telling them that I have a deep respect for women and I want to treat them in a way that shows them the respect I have for them.

4. Advice for (worried) parents who are trying to raise chaste boys?

My biggest word of advice would be to establish a strong sense of communication. I have always felt that I can come to my parents with any questions or problems I have had, and that has certainly helped. As I mentioned before, I had to call off an engagement with a women I had been in a relationship with for many years, and this was because, among other things, an issue of chastity. The communication my parents offered to me helped me through this process more than I can ever say, and I can't thank them enough for it. I think with a strong line of communication, parents can convey a strong message of chastity that will permanently be instilled in their boys.

5. Advice for other boys/men trying to navigate this unchaste culture?

My biggest word of advice would be to stay the course and when doubt begins to arise find ways of putting yourself back on the right track. For me, attending Mass on every Sunday definitely helped. That constant reminder that I was living before the eyes of God certainly helped. I've also found that, as a university student, attending the local campus ministry has helped me develop a great group of friends with solid foundations that definitely have my back on things like chastity.


A young married man, looking back at his single years:

1. What is the biggest challenge you face in this culture with regard to chastity?

Chastity is the biggest challenge that I face in this culture, but to single out one specific challenge is masturbation. The reason why this is the biggest challenge is that it is way too easy to commit; it’s just you and your imagination. The damage it does with regards to guilt and shame make it all the more challenging.

2. Why do you remain chaste when others don’t?

When it comes to chastity, it is too obvious that most guys think nothing of it. It seems super easy to just go along with the flow, but I do not want to be on the same boat as the others because I know the reality of sexuality as God intended it to be. There is no way to shake the truth when you know it and believe it; otherwise you will be faking the truth, and that just doesn’t sit right in a real man’s gut.

3. What do you say to those who would insist that you are lying about being chaste?

I just stand my ground and let them jeer and taunt. I have found that when I give them my straight answer, that I am living chastely, and do not waver when they explode in a whirlwind of disbelief, they end up calming down, convey their respect of my decision and move on. I tell them that, of course, I am tempted big time all the time, but I stand my ground because of my principals.
I remember a time in high school where I witnessed a group of boys taunting a fellow classmate because he said that he was “saving himself for marriage”. He did not change his statement due to the harassment that he received and eventually the boys left him alone. I did not step in to defend him, though I wished that I had the courage to do so, but when the others had left I went up to him and offered words of encouragement and solidarity. This event impacted me greatly and strengthened my view on chastity.

4. Advice for (worried) parents who are trying to raise chaste boys?

I would tell parents to talk about chastity in age appropriate ways, starting as early as the age of reason and not shrinking from the subject, especially when they become awkward teenagers. Also, I would encourage the parents to not leave their boys alone too much. Check in on them often and keep them occupied so that they do not have idle time on their hands.

5. Advice for other boys/men trying to navigate this unchaste culture?

Take the long and narrow road. Find good and encouraging friends, men and women, to keep your perspective clean. Do not waiver in the face of adversity, because if you do, you will be less of the man that you were created to be, and to get back that which was lost, is a rough and rugged road. You will not die if you do not give in; trust me.


A 24-year-old man:

1. What is the biggest challenge you face in this culture with regard to chastity?

The most difficult part is the influence of peers and culture being thrown in your face.  The fact that you have to face it when you do anything.  Even in your own home on the tv and computer. You have to become a hermit to avoid it and even that is difficult.  To function in society you must be exposed to sexually explicit material.  Because we have become accustomed to little things like mild jokes and what not.  We don't even know we are being weakened.

2. Why do you remain chaste when others don’t?

I remain chaste because, firsthand it is must easier to be chaste when you are single.  Although, even then, there is still the struggle of porn.  Mostly because I know about the benefits of being chaste and because I am not in denial about them.  I acknowledge that it will be better for me to be pure and that I will work towards it.

3. What do you say to those who would insist that you are lying about being chaste?

I haven't gotten very far in these conversations.  Usually most people believe me and just put a loser label on me.  When I worked a factory for a year everyone called me the virgin.  They truly believe that sex is a necessary action for each person to take.  In public school I learned that the three necessities of life where food shelter and sex.  It is hard to undo this.  I have had to explain to people why you won't die if you don't have sex.

My journeyman has been bugging me about this recently, asking everyday "Have you slept with her yet?"  I've told him that I don't want to end up like him being divorced.  He'll acknowledge that answer, but he'll still ask in a couple days again.

4. Advice for (worried) parents who are trying to raise chaste boys?

This one is very difficult.  Obviously the first and most important thing is for parents to pray.  I've seen many good parents have children become sex addicts and leave the faith.  On a side note, most young people I've known have left the faith for sexual reasons.  They slept with someone, decided not to go to confession and that was it.  I think if parents lead a good example and don't obsessively enforce it, children naturally will follow them.

5. Advice for other boys/men trying to navigate this unchaste culture?

I would tell every guy how much of a difference it makes down the road.  That it really does affect your relationships. Keep other men in your life who agree with you about the nature of sex in your life.  Spend as much time as possible with them especially if you're bombarded at work.


And there you have it! Some really great guys, with some great advice for other young men and for parents, as well. I used some of their answers in my book, but I couldn't fit them all in, so I am posting the unabridged answers here! Oh, and three of the young men are my own sons.

Pray for all our young men, and for a renewal of the virtue of chastity in our land!

And just for fun, here were some of the winning memes in the meme contest I held for my book release on Facebook. You ladies are so clever! Enjoy!

Thanks, Megan Stout!!

Thanks, Amanda Luckey!

Thanks, Hannah Hasson!

PS: If you read my book and liked it, please consider writing an Amazon review to help get the word out and promote chastity in our boys!

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Rebutting Fr. Matt Malone

Fr. Matt Malone, S.J. (a Jesuit priest) wrote a vague, confusing, and ultimately misleading piece in America Magazine, and so I decided to do a line-by-line rebuttal. 

Let's dive right in, with Fr. Malone's words in red, and my responses in black:

I can virtually guarantee you that if you attend Mass on Sunday morning in any parish in the United States, you will find yourself sitting in a pew near someone who disagrees with you about what the public policy should be on abortion. 

This is true. So far, so good.

Or same-sex marriage. 


Or the death penalty. 


While the teaching of the church on the moral dimensions of these issues is clear and consistent, there is today, as there has always been, a spirited debate about how to apply those moral principles in the public realm, one that is democratic, diverse and nonsectarian. 

Uh, not exactly. On death penalty issues, yes, a debate on how to apply public policy is allowed. But as far as the teaching of the Magisterium on abortion or gay "marriage"? There is no "spirited debate" about "how to apply those moral principles". These intrinsic evils must be opposed always and unequivocally, in the public square and everywhere. The Church is very, very clear on that.

As John Courtney Murray, S.J. once wrote, in a pluralistic society “there are circumstances in which human authority has neither mandate nor duty nor right to use its coercive power against error and evil.” In other words, it does not necessarily follow from the fact that something is immoral that it should be illegal. 

This is absolutely true, but in this case, misleading. Fr. Malone is trying to apply these words to the issues of abortion and gay "marriage" -- the very issues to which this principle cannot and does not apply.

Thus our public policy choices belong to the realm of prudential judgment. 

No. Fr. Malone is implying "all" here. But not all issues in the public square ("public policy choices") belong to the realm of prudential judgment! The Church never says this, and in fact teaches otherwise:

In his letter, “Worthiness to Receive Holy Communion,” Cardinal Ratzinger (now Pope Benedict XVI) wrote the following as the head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (the congregation in charge of protecting doctrinal purity):
Not all moral issues have the same moral weight as abortion and euthanasia. For example, if a Catholic were to be at odds with the Holy Father on the application of capital punishment or on the decision to wage war, he would not for that reason be considered unworthy to present himself to receive Holy Communion. While the Church exhorts civil authorities to seek peace, not war, and to exercise discretion and mercy in imposing punishment on criminals, it may still be permissible to take up arms to repel an aggressor or to have recourse to capital punishment. There may be a legitimate diversity of opinion even among Catholics about waging war and applying the death penalty, but not however with regard to abortion and euthanasia. (emphasis mine)

To be sure, the church’s magisterium has supported specific public policy solutions in the areas of abortion, the death penalty, prostitution and other contentious issues. And not all of those issues involve the same level of moral gravity. Yet Catholics are still free to disagree with one another in good conscience, if not about the moral principles at stake, then certainly about the prudential application of those principles in the public square.

Again, utterly misleading. By lumping all those issues together (abortion, death penalty, prostitution, and "other contentious issues"), he blurs the lines, and badly.

Fr. Malone gives a nod to the truth that "not all of those issues involve the same level of moral gravity," but then he does not attempt to explain that precisely because of these different levels of moral gravity, our responses to those issues must be different. Instead, he writes as if our response to those different issues can be just the same. However, as we see from Cardinal Ratzinger's words above, these issues do not demand the same response from the faithful.

Let's go even further. In Evangelium Vitae, Pope John Paul II said much about the intrinsic evils of abortion and euthanasia, and never discussed Catholics' "freedom to disagree" in "good conscience" about the "prudential application of those principles in the public square" (Fr. Malone's words). These excerpts from EV are lengthy, but please bear with me and read them all (all emphases mine):

Civil law must ensure that all members of society enjoy respect for certain fundamental rights which innately belong to the person, rights which every positive law [i.e., civil law] must recognize and guarantee. First and fundamental among these is the inviolable right to life of every innocent human being. While public authority can sometimes choose not to put a stop to something which-were it prohibited- would cause more serious harm, it can never presume to legitimize as a right of individuals -- even if they are the majority of the members of society -- an offence against other persons caused by the disregard of so fundamental a right as the right to life. The legal toleration of abortion or of euthanasia can in no way claim to be based on respect for the conscience of others, precisely because society has the right and the duty to protect itself against the abuses which can occur in the name of conscience and under the pretext of freedom.   (#71)
Now the first and most immediate application of this teaching concerns a human law which disregards the fundamental right and source of all other rights which is the right to life, a right belonging to every individual. Consequently, laws which legitimize the direct killing of innocent human beings through abortion or euthanasia are in complete opposition to the inviolable right to life proper to every individual; they thus deny the equality of everyone before the law....Laws which authorize and promote abortion and euthanasia are therefore radically opposed not only to the good of the individual but also to the common good; as such they are completely lacking in authentic juridical validity....Consequently, a civil law authorizing abortion or euthanasia ceases by that very fact to be a true, morally binding civil law.  (#72)
Abortion and euthanasia are thus crimes which no human law can claim to legitimize. There is no obligation in conscience to obey such laws; instead there is a grave and clear obligation to oppose them by conscientious objection....In the case of an intrinsically unjust law, such as a law permitting abortion or euthanasia, it is therefore never licit to obey it, or to "take part in a propaganda campaign in favour of such a law, or vote for it".  (#73)
Christians, like all people of good will, are called upon under grave obligation of conscience not to cooperate formally in practices which, even if permitted by civil legislation, are contrary to God's law. Indeed, from the moral standpoint, it is never licit to cooperate formally in evil. Such cooperation occurs when an action, either by its very nature or by the form it takes in a concrete situation, can be defined as a direct participation in an act against innocent human life or a sharing in the immoral intention of the person committing it. This cooperation can never be justified either by invoking respect for the freedom of others or by appealing to the fact that civil law permits it or requires it. Each individual in fact has moral responsibility for the acts which he personally performs; no one can be exempted from this responsibility, and on the basis of it everyone will be judged by God himself (cf. Rom 2:6; 14:12).  (#74)

Do you see anything there that talks about Catholics being "free to disagree" on the "prudential application of those principles in the public square"? I don't. These are intrinsic (i.e., of their very nature) evils, and we are to exercise our public square duties to always and everywhere oppose them to the greatest extent that we can.

For this reason it is both imprudent and impractical to use an individual’s position on a public policy question, even a life-and-death issue like abortion or the death penalty, as the only basis for determining whether they have a right to sit next to us in church on Sunday morning. 

What? Fr. Malone is arguing something very curious here, claiming that people don't believe pro-abortion folks "have a right" to sit in a pew on Sunday. Huh?? I've never heard such an argument in 22 years of teaching the Faith. Everyone, from the greatest saint to the greatest sinner, from Catholic to Hindu to Buddhist to atheist, is welcome to come to Mass and sit next to us in the pews! No one ever argued otherwise, and if they have, they are in such a small minority that I have never encountered them in over two decades. Anyone can come and sit in the pews at Mass!

So, why would Father say this? Let's read on....

I am pro-life. I believe that abortion should be illegal in this country in almost every circumstance. 

Abortion should be illegal in "almost every circumstance"? No, Fr. Malone, abortion should be illegal in every single circumstance. Every individual human life is sacred and inviolable. No Catholic priest should be in favor of "some" legal abortion! Fr. Malone is not in accord with Church teaching here.

But I can’t imagine saying to the person sitting next to me at Mass, the one who disagrees with me on what the public policy on abortion should be, that he or she is somehow less Catholic than I am by virtue of that simple fact. I certainly wouldn’t tell them to leave, nor would I protest their arrival at the front door of the church.

I agree with Fr. Malone on one thing: What makes a person "Catholic" is simply his baptism. The person may completely reject the Catholic Faith at some point after that, and he would still be a Catholic. He may be a hell-bound Catholic, but still a Catholic.

As we've discussed countless times here in the Bubble, we cannot judge any individual soul, because we are not God. We cannot read hearts, and we cannot know how each person is cooperating with the grace he or she receives.

But what we can judge (and are commanded to judge) are actions. If a Catholic politician, for example, votes for legal abortion, we can say without hesitation that his act is evil. If it happens again and again, and if the Catholic politician is proud and boasts of his votes for legal abortion, even abortion with no restrictions, and even having a 100% positive rating from NARAL and Planned Parenthood, we can unequivocally say that what he is doing is morally evil, not to mention scandalous.

So again, why would Father say what he's saying? Let's keep going....

Yet this is precisely what happened recently to Tim Kaine. The Democratic vice-presidential nominee was met by a small group of protestors at the parish church in Richmond, Va., where he has attended Mass for 30 years. According to WTVR-TV, “the demonstrators claim the Virginia senator’s voting record contradicts the Catholic faith on issues of abortion and gay marriage.”

Now we see. It's a defense of Hillary Clinton's Catholic running mate, Tim Kaine.

One organizer of the protest told reporters, based presumably on the fact that the senator has a lamentably near-perfect voting score from Planned Parenthood, that Mr. Kaine “is not America’s dad at all.... He’s really, all I can say, is evil.” Whatever the protester meant, that statement is manifestly uncharitable.

On this I agree with Fr. Malone. It is indeed uncharitable to say that anyone is "evil." As I mentioned above, only God can read a soul, and we cannot know if indeed Kaine is rotten inside. We can only look to his actions and say, "Those actions are pure evil." And we should.

We should note for the record that a much larger crowd enthusiastically greeted “Kaine and his wife, Anne Holton, the Sunday after Clinton picked him as her running mate.” 

I'm not sure why we should "note this for the record"? Perhaps to assuage the consciences of those who would vote for a Catholic politician who goes against the moral law, the laws of God, the laws of Christ's Church, and votes to allow murder of the child in the womb? Other than that, it's not necessary to "note" this celebration of the man. But let's move on....

Prescinding from the fact that I strongly disagree with Mr. Kaine about the public policy question of abortion and that this magazine has been sharply critical of his position in a recent editorial (see: Am., 8/15), if I belonged to his parish, I would be standing with the folks who were welcoming him. 

Again, abortion is not a "public policy question" according to the Catholic Church. And please, welcome him to the parish, sit right next to him. But let's be honest. That's not really what people are upset about, is it? In truth, faithful Catholics are upset that Tim Kaine, who is flaunting the teachings of God and His Church, is presenting himself for Holy Communion each week, which is wrong at best and scandalous at worst. And since Kaine is a virulently pro-abortion, pro-gay "marriage" politician, it cannot be good for his own soul, either.

And I bet that, like the congregation itself, the welcoming crowd would be a mix of “pro-life” and “pro-choice” people.

Then shame on us for not better educating our own people, wouldn't you agree, Father?

The reason is simple: Our fundamental identity and unity as Catholic Christians does not reside in our allegiance to a set of ideas, much less to some political manifesto.

Fr. Malone, your Church says that voting against legal abortion and euthanasia and gay "marriage" is not "allegiance to a set of ideas" or "some political manifesto" -- it's adherence to the very Law of God. Please, check Evangelium Vitae again for the parts you missed. This is a bizarre statement coming from a Catholic priest.

Our unity resides in the person of Jesus Christ. 

Yes. Until and unless any Catholic individual, through his own grave and unrepentant sin, has separated himself from the Person of Christ and the Mystical Body of Christ. In that case, there is no unity there at all. "Unity" and "separation" are contradictory, after all.

For us, as I have often said, truth is ultimately a person—a “someone” we encounter rather than a “something” with which we beat each other over the head. In other words, jeering your fellow Catholics as they enter the church on Sunday is neither Catholic nor particularly pro-life.

And yet protesting evil, and holding our Catholic politicians accountable for the evil they proudly, openly, even enthusiastically promote, is most definitely Catholic and pro-life. Expecting that Catholics who persist in grave and public sin/scandal do not approach for Communion is also a Catholic thing.

What is not in keeping with our Catholic Faith is obfuscation, sugar-coating, misleading, and blurring lines. I hope and pray that none of that was done on purpose, because we have enough confused and ignorant Catholics in America as it is. I beg you to try for a little more clarity next time, Father.